Healthy Relationships

Desire Discrepancy in Long-Term Relationships

People who have been together for a long period of time will naturally experience ups and downs in their relationship. They contend with raising children, working, money issues, and illnesses in the family or in the extended family.

When stressful events happen or as the couple gets older, hormone levels fluctuate. They must deal with the challenges (and pressures) of maintaining a healthy sexual relationship while dealing with all of the other normal issues of life. And all of this can cause desire discrepancy between them.

What Is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire discrepancy is when one partner in a relationship wants sex more frequently than the other. In couples who experience this discrepancy, it can lead to an overall decreased satisfaction with their relationship.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Fifth Edition (DSM-V or DSM-5) calls the lower desire levels hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), or inhibited sexual desire, and ascribes the same condition to both men and women. The symptoms of this are a decreased desire for sexual intercourse or activity, a reduction in sexual thoughts or feelings, a decreased frequency of initiating sexual activity, and unresponsiveness to attempts at sexual activity.

What Causes This Sexual Problem in Long-Term Partnerships?

For one thing, women who are going through menopause, or have already been through it, have to deal with fluctuating hormone levels. These menopause-related issues can cause painful intercourse or problems reaching orgasm, and these factors can reduce her levels of desire for sex.

Similarly, men go through andropause as they get older, and this can cause erectile dysfunction. When this occurs, one or both partners may blame themselves or the other person, and this causes frustration and a lack of desire in the relationship.

Unhealthy Thinking in a Romantic Relationship

If a man thinks or feels that his wife is angered by him or frustrated with him, he will perceive a lack of desire on her part. Those roles can be reversed with the husband feeling like his wife does not feel sexually attracted to him.

However, the perceived imbalance is often greater than the actual imbalance, and a sex therapist can help both of you understand what is going on in your relationship. Many studies of long-term couples have found that the perceived imbalance is often simply due to a lack of communication between both partners.

Marriage and Sex Therapists in Montclair

The best way to get past desire discrepancy is by talking about it with a trusted professional and getting their advice and feedback. Keep your relationship going strong by seeing an experienced marriage counselor who specializes in relationship issues, including ones that center around the bedroom.

Here in Montclair, New Jersey, our team at Advanced Psychology Partners are experts in all areas of sexual counseling for different types of people in different walks of life. Call us today at (973) 534-5333 or request a consultation, and let us help your relationship overcome desire discrepancy. We are here to assist couples and help you understand each other.

Consensual Non-Monogamy: What Does It Mean?

Simply put, consensual non-monogamy is an umbrella term for what is more commonly referred to as swinging, polyamory, or other ethically “open” relationships. And while consensual non-monogamy has become a hot topic of national conversation, the practice of a couple staying together but seeking outside physical, romantic and/or emotional coupling is nothing new. What you might not know is that those involved in these relationships take their lifestyle very seriously and due to potential complexities, often are far better at laying out rules and discussing feelings and situations than many monogamous couples. Consensual non-monogamy may be nothing new, but for too many couples, taking a dip in this water brings with it high risk. Consensual non-monogamy: what does it mean, and why should you care?

Why Consensual Non-Monogamy?

Marriage vows are something to be taken very seriously. The same is true of those who have committed to long-term relationships. Consensual non-monogamy may have found its place when couples choose to stay together, but for whatever reason, go outside the marriage or bond to satisfy any number of needs. It could be that a couple chooses to explore sexual satisfaction elsewhere with a member of their own or opposite sex; perhaps a couple wants to include another member or couple into their relationship. Sometimes divorce simply is not in the cards and it just makes sense to keep a marriage amicable but seek outside relationships. No matter the reason, the keyword is “consensual” – no secrets and no affairs. Oftentimes with consensual non-monogamy, a contract or rules of engagement are followed and updated, as the scenario or participants see fit.

Types of Non-Monogamous Relationships

There are many types of non-monogamous relationships and each has its own set of rules, although some do overlap in places.

Polyamory has been described as the practice of and desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner with the consent of all parties involved. Those who engage in polyamory see the practice as ethical, consensual, and responsible non-monogamy, although that may slowly be changing; in a more modern context, traditional polyamory is evolving into more non-monogamous, multi-partner, non-exclusive sexual or romantic relationships.
Group marriage is when several people form a single familial unit and each is considered to be married to the others. More specifically, “line families” are group marriages that are continual over time: as older an older member pass away, new younger members are brought in as replacements until all the people who created the union are long gone but the union still stands. Poly families are similar to group marriage except members do not necessarily consider all partners as spouses.
Polyfidelity is when participants have multiple sexual partners, but all are part of a larger, closed group.
Polygamy occurs when a spouse has more than one spouse. In many cases, one spouse has no clue his or her spouse has another spouse (or family). If this is the case, it is not considered consensual non-monogamy as no consensus has been reached. However —
- Polygyny is a form of polygamy in which one man can have several wives and all act together in concert as one big married family.
- Polyandry is a result of one wife, having multiple husbands.
Open relationships or open marriages permit one or both members in a committed relationship to explore sexual activity with other partners. This often has a set of boundaries, although some practitioners have no boundaries. Swinging is similar to open relationships, except that the rituals are conducted as an organized social activity.

Agreement through Consensus

Surprisingly, statistics show that persons involved in serial monogamy scored far lower in trust and higher in jealousy than those in polyamorous. This likely has to do with the open communication necessary to develop agreement through consensus. Do any of these arrangements sound good to you? Not so fast. Before you and your partner jump into a non-monogamous relationship, it is wise to seek guidance from an expert. When done right and with care, non-monogamous relationships can be successful and nurturing. Some may even bring a couple closer together. To be sure it’s right for you, it’s best to meet with a therapeutic professional who specializes in all types of non-traditional arrangements. Located in Montclair, Advanced Psychology Partners’ sex and relationship experts Donna Lobiondo and Eric K. Larsen have years of experience discussing these sometimes awkward subjects are here to help you and your loved one make wise and informed decision. Call them today at (973) 743-2990 or, request a complimentary meet and greet to see if one of these lifestyle changes can benefit your existing relationship.

The Ashley Madison Phenomenon: Is There More to It than Just “Cheating?”

Ashley Madison is the notorious website where people go to find people with whom to have an extramarital affair. When the website was hacked in 2015, and all of the users’ names and personal information were made publicly available on the internet, it revealed that 32 million people had used this website.

But one thing the hack didn’t reveal was the reasons behind why so many people used the website in the first place. What were the reasons? Was it to actually meet and cheat? To feel empowered? To feel wanted? To feel attractive?

Reasons Behind Ashley Madison’s Success

Part of the attraction toward things on the internet as a whole is the feeling of anonymity. A person can rationalize, “I’m just typing on a keyboard. I’m not doing anything wrong.” The next step of meeting the individual in person then comes more naturally, because you have already established a connection.

A woman needs to feel loved, and a man needs to feel respected. If these are missing from a marriage, either or both partners are likely to stray and look elsewhere to get what they need from other people.

Why Women Cheat and Why Men Cheat

For women who are exploring beyond their marriage for affection, their cheating may have more to do with wanting to be appreciated and wanting to feel attractive. For a man, if he feels threatened by his wife’s professional success, the man is much more likely to cheat than a man who does not feel threatened in this way.

That is the main reason why the Ashley Madison website was so popular – people were looking for what they were missing in their romantic relationships.

Other Reasons

Someone who makes a lot of money may feel that the rules don’t apply to them, so they may be more apt to cheat. They may be accustomed to getting their way and feel like they can smooth anything over with compliments and apologies.

Other people who cheat feel like they need the ego boost that comes from being considered attractive or wanted by a new person or a stranger. If a woman’s partner never or rarely compliments her and suddenly this stranger on Ashley Madison’s website is gushing over her beauty, it may seem irresistible.

Certain environmental and family factors, such as coming from a broken home where one or both parents cheated, can also make a person more likely to cheat themselves when they are older. If they were raised seeing this in their own family, it will affect their relationships through adulthood.

Sex Therapists in New Jersey

If you or your partner has cheated, there are underlying reasons for it. Seeking professional assistance from experienced sex therapists can help couples regroup and move past the past, and start anew. It takes work, but so do lots of things.

If you and/or your partner wish to try counseling, contact us today at Advanced Psychology Partners. Call (973) 534-5333 or request an appointment online now. Let us help you break the ice so you and your partner can develop a great relationship again.

Make-Up Sex After an Argument: Is It Good or Bad?

Many couples argue and often try to put the fighting behind them by having “make-up sex.” But is this a good habit to get into or will it lead right back down the same dead-end street? Most make-up sex is bad news because it reinforces all of the emotional drama associated with the fighting. The root of this type of sexual relations is extremely negative feelings during a heated argument.

These couples, wanting to switch gears to the opposite end of the spectrum, often crave intimacy and wind up having make-up sex to quell the mutual bad feelings that are presiding over the relationship at that moment.

Not Resolving Issues

By replacing an honest talk with make-up sex, the couple avoids a healthy discussion about the relationship. Couples who do this are actually doing their relationship a disservice. They eventually miss the thrill of make-up sex and subconsciously start fights just so they can be “solved” with make-up sex.

If one partner feels unable to communicate with the other about anything serious without starting a fight, the simplest solution often seems to be just tabling those hurt feelings. This, in turn, leads to resentment, more bad feelings, and ultimately an unhealthy relationship.

Rehashing Old Arguments

By bringing up or making jabs related to an old argument, a couple is doomed to never move past it. This is a very unhealthy habit that ensures a never-ending feud – especially if the argument was already resolved. Bringing up the past after already coming to an understanding indicates to a partner that previous resolutions don’t mean anything to the relationship – leaving no incentive for either partner to attempt reconciliation in the future. If you resort to make-up sex instead of resolving your issues, you’re likely to face the same arguments all over again.

Making Excuses

Instead of lying about the reason for a fight, making up a flimsy excuse, and engaging in make-up sex, sit and have a frank discussion about how the argument started and why it led to a fight. Making excuses just covers up the truth underneath, which eventually comes out anyway. Honest communication will get you much further in the long run than any make-up sex ever could. Sex-based on truthful communication has a much better chance of being a loving, satisfying experience.

Professional Help for Your Relationship in New Jersey

If you and your partner are mired in make-up sex and avoiding that all-important talk, reach out to our professional counselors at Advanced Psychology Partners. We offer a full range of couples and singles counseling to help resolve a multitude of issues.

Call us at (973) 743-2990, or schedule a complimentary meet & greet using our form online to see how we can help you and your relationship.

Starting the “Open Relationship” Conversation

Having any romantic relationship can be challenging, but when discussing moving from a monogamous relationship to an open relationship, it can open the door to numerous complex issues, especially in marriage. Creating a set of do’s and don’ts can help ease the tension – and it’s very important to consider these and acknowledge their weight before walking in and dropping the “open relationship” bomb on your significant other.

Some couples attempt to open the confines of their relationship to other people, but if a relationship is in a weakened state to begin with, opening it up to others is a surefire way to quickly hasten its demise. However, if a relationship is solid, it can possibly be done.

Start With Small Steps

If the lines of communication are open and strong, and it seems like both partners would be up for it, then you can start the conversation gently. Just take baby steps toward the actual process of asking. However, it’s not recommended to drop hints, as they could be misinterpreted as wanting to end the relationship, rather than keeping the relationship and opening it up to others.

Several reasons or factors can lead to the desire for an open relationship. Maybe the partners are best friends and deeply in love, but the sexual aspect simply never clicked. Or perhaps one partner suffered an injury and can no longer perform sexually. Any of these reasons can be used as the starting point for a topic of conversation about an open relationship. The list of reasons goes on, but just be aware of the dangers before ever broaching the topic.

Don’t Be Forceful or Pushy

The quickest way to scare off a partner is to demand an open relationship. Keep in mind that while one partner may feel this is wonderful, the other may think it’s the absolute worst idea ever – and dropping that bomb might end what was a healthy, strong relationship.

However, if the time has come and it’s a viable request, do it in a way that does not threaten the other partner. It cannot be done with half-truths or keeping secrets. That is a sure way to force the other partner’s hand. The sole way for it to work is if both parties want the same thing and can speak frankly about it.

Address Any Fears

Obviously, if this is new territory for you or your primary partner, there could be some fear or hurt feelings. Address those fears and reassure your partner of the dedication to stay together and that it is not a fault of theirs causing this, but rather a desire to explore various outside avenues, either sexually or romantically. But do not lay blame on your partner. Explain the benefits that could result out of an open relationship.

If the talk does not go well, or your partner still has reservations, reassure them of your commitment by tabling it for another time. If your partner is open to the idea, don’t jump up and rush out on a date with another person just yet. Talk it through, and think of all the possible outcomes and feelings that are sure to come up as a result of your primary relationship’s barriers being relaxed.

Set Ground Rules

In addition to keeping secrets, not playing by established rules will hasten the demise of the primary relationship. For example, at the start of an open relationship, both parties could come home to one another, discuss events outside the relationship for full transparency, and reestablish the desire to stay together even though the relationship has been opened to others. Another ground rule is to always keep lines of communication open, including sharing all types of communication that happen with any partners outside the primary relationship.

If there are children in the household, keep in mind how confused they could become by your open relationship arrangement. It is very important to establish a ground rule that disclosure to children about the open relationship should not occur. That information should remain for adults only. Do not let the children become aware of any aspect of the open relationship until they have formed their own values and could understand what is going on.

As challenging as things can be, it is crucial to set ground rules ahead of time, and most importantly, to obey them. This is a matter of honesty and respect for your partner, which will help keep your primary relationship on solid ground.

Comprehensive Relationship Counseling in New Jersey

At Advanced Psychology Partners, we handle all types of mental health issues with a special focus on couples issues and sexual issues. If you wish to explore an open relationship, we can help you and your partner come to an agreement, as well as speak through any issues stemming from your open relationship.

We are professionals and have experience with all types of lifestyle choices. If you and your loved one wish to explore a new lifestyle but are concerned, contact us for guidance. We offer a complimentary “meet and greet” session to place both partners at ease and introduce everyone concerned.

Call us at (973) 534-5333, or request an appointment using our online form. We look forward to helping you navigate your relationship concerns.

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